Support Groups Helpful for Loss by Suicide

There’s help for those hurting

By Deborah Jeanne Sergeant

Lynn Acquafondata is a licensed mental health counselor and owner of Crossbridge Counseling and Crossbridge Wellness in Rochester.

The loss of a loved one is compounded when suicide was the cause of that loss.

In addition to the grief that accompanies any death, the surviving family may feel numerous other emotions that are difficult to experience.

“There’s shame for the stigma society places on suicide,” said Lynn Acquafondata, licensed mental health counselor and owner of Crossbridge Counseling and Crossbridge Wellness in Rochester. “The loss is devastating.”

Survivors may feel blame for their loved one’s death, as if they “missed something” or that they are somehow responsible. The weight of this misplaced burden can feel overwhelming. On top of all of that, the survivors may feel like no one else understands.

Joining a support group such as the one she operates at Crossbridge can “help people to know that they’re not alone and that there are other people going through a similar loss,” Acquafondata said. “A group helps people feel heard.”

Losing a loved one can feel surreal and more so if the cause of death is suicide. The conversations in a support group can help survivors’ emotions feel more normal, as they can range from sadness to regret to anger to guilt.

Dealing with outside people can present a big challenge to family members. Acquafondata said that the support group can help families know what to say when facing intrusive and insensitive questions about the manner of death and about the person who died.

In addition to her regular groups, Acquafondata also hosts four-week intensive groups for support and learning skills. In the ongoing group, some attendees have participated for quite a while since they have found it such a source of solace and comfort.

“They ironically tell me they look forward to it not because it’s fun and easy but they feel connected and they can express things they can’t anywhere else,” Acquafondata said. “They’re so supportive of each other and it’s a beautiful thing. In the midst of the suffering they can help each other with everything they’re going through.”

Other loss groups typically can’t provide the same level of understanding as suicide bereavement groups as the stigma attached to suicide makes it difficult for survivors to feel as welcomed in other groups.

“Families often want to keep it a secret when a member dies by suicide,” said physician Robert Gregory, director of the psychiatry high risk program and professor at Norton College of Medicine at Upstate Medical University. “In addition to the social embarrassment, there is usually also a deep sense of guilt and anger that can interfere with the normal and healthy bereavement process. Family members may be asking themselves, ‘Why didn’t I recognize the signs, so obvious in retrospect?’ ‘Did that argument I had with them last week cause the suicide?’ ‘Why didn’t I reach out more?’”

He added that it’s also normal to feel anger toward the person who died because of the trauma and pain they caused. Or sometimes anger toward the healthcare providers who could not help prevent the death.

“Groups, counselors and other supports may be very helpful for the family member to process their emotions in healthier ways, to facilitate the bereavement process, and to normalize some of their reactions to reduce their sense of stigmatization,” Gregory said. “Suicide happens despite the best efforts of family members, friends, health care providers and the individual themselves.”