By Gwenn Voelckers
The howl of the wind, the shadowy silhouette of a black cat and a chill that may run down your spine: it’s that time of year again. Halloween reminds us of all things spooky and scary.
Living alone for the first time after a divorce or the death of a spouse or partner can feel like stepping into a strange, new — and sometimes frightening — world.
I know because I’ve been there.
Suddenly, the comforting presence of another person is gone and the quietness that used to feel peaceful now seems unsettling.
You start noticing every little creak in the house, wondering about your financial future and grappling with a sense of loneliness you didn’t expect.
But more than anything, what rises to the surface is fear. It can show up in many ways — emotionally, physically and mentally.
• Emotionally, it’s the knot in your stomach when you hear an unexpected bump in the night or the anxiety that creeps in when you’re unsure how to manage a big decision.
• Physically, it can appear as tightness in your chest, a racing heartbeat or restlessness that keeps you tossing and turning at night.
• Mentally, fear clouds your thoughts, making small problems seem insurmountable. It causes you to doubt your ability to handle things, even though you’ve already overcome so much.
While it’s common knowledge that fear is a natural response to feeling vulnerable, it’s hard not to feel vulnerable when you’re suddenly on your own.
But while fear serves an important purpose — protecting us from danger — it can also hold us back. I felt trapped inside myself (and inside my home), afraid to step out into the world, try new things or believe in my own goodness and strength.
When we let fear dictate our choices, we risk missing out on opportunities to live fully, to grow and to discover the best version of ourselves.
So, how do we fear less when everything around us feels uncertain?
First, it’s important to recognize that fear is normal: it’s our brain’s way of trying to keep us safe. But we can manage it by not letting it control us.
The key is to gently face those fears, acknowledge them, and then take small steps forward.
Below are three of the most pressing fears I faced after my divorce. With help, I was able to better understand the emotional origins of my fears and find practical ways to manage them.
1. Loneliness and Isolation
Loneliness is one of the most potent fears when you’re living alone, especially if you’ve recently lost a partner. A quiet home can become unbearable. I found that even simple tasks — like cooking or watching TV — felt hollow without someone at my side.
I worried my loneliness would grow deeper and become permanent. I clearly remember thinking at the time, “What if I never feel connected to anyone again?” or “What if I end up all alone for the rest of my life?”
While loneliness is very real, the fear of it growing worse is often irrational.
Loneliness is a temporary emotion, but when we give in to the fear of it, we start to isolate ourselves even more, reinforcing the very thing we’re afraid of.
The key is understanding that your loneliness doesn’t define your future — it’s a signal that you need more connection, and that’s something you can actively work on.
Start by redefining “connection.”
When we’ve lived with someone for a long time, we may unconsciously define connection as being tied to a romantic or deep, intimate relationship. But connection comes in many forms.
Start small. Reconnect with acquaintances, chat with neighbors or join local groups. (Have you tried pickleball?) You’ll realize that human connection is accessible in many ways and doesn’t need to look like what you’ve lost.
2. Safety and Security
Living alone can make every creak and shadow in the house feel ominous. Fear of safety is often heightened by the vulnerability we feel when there’s no one around to help in an emergency.
I can recall feeling fearful when I got my own home. Every faint noise in the house sounded like a potential intruder.
And my fear went deeper, making me anxious about having an accident at home or wondering, “What if something happens to me and no one is here to help?”
It’s important to recognize that our fear of danger is often irrational when it becomes overwhelming. Statistically, your home is probably one of the safest places you can be, especially if you take some precautions.
The real danger comes from letting your fears spiral out of control, keeping you from enjoying the comfort and peace of your own space.
So, empower yourself with security tools. Today’s technology offers plenty of affordable options. From security cameras to smart locks, motion-detecting lights, and apps that let you monitor your home remotely, these tools can help you feel more in control.
The goal is not just to prevent real dangers, but to give your mind the reassurance that you’re doing everything you can to stay safe.
3. Financial Insecurity
Financial fears are especially common when living alone, particularly if your spouse managed the finances or if your income has suddenly changed after a divorce or the loss of your partner.
The thought of running out of money, being unable to maintain your lifestyle, or not having enough for medical bills or emergencies can feel very scary.
After my divorce, I was up in the middle of the night with questions swirling: “Will I be able to make ends meet?” or “What if I outlive my savings?”
Financial insecurity often arises from the unknown. It’s not just the fear of not having enough money — it’s the uncertainty of how much you actually have or what you’ll need in the future.
My mind went immediately to worst-case scenarios. But more often than not, these worst-case fears are exaggerated. Once you confront your finances head-on, you may find you’re in a better position than you think.
But first things first. Get clear on your financial situation.
Sit down with your financial statements, or better yet, with a financial adviser, and go through everything step by step.
Knowing exactly where you stand — your income, your expenses, your assets —can alleviate a huge amount of anxiety. Even if the news isn’t perfect, you’ll feel more empowered knowing the facts.
I strongly recommend working with a financial adviser who can help you put your financial house in order and alleviate your financial fears.
With budgeting and planning, you’ll feel more secure in your ability to handle whatever life offers up.
Overcoming Fears
The key to overcoming your fears is not to ignore or suppress them, but to face them directly. When we confront our fears — whether it’s loneliness, safety, financial insecurity, or something else altogether — we take away some of their power.
It’s natural to be afraid, but it’s equally natural to find strength in yourself that you didn’t know was there. By acknowledging your fears, taking small steps, and reaching out for support when needed, you can build a life that’s full of connections, confidence, and peace.
You’ve already overcome so much — facing your fears is just the next step on your journey.
I’m right there with you. Let’s fear less and live more!
Gwenn Voelckers is the author of “Alone and Content: Inspiring, empowering essays to help divorced and widowed women feel whole and complete on their own.” She welcomes your thoughts on this column as well as topic suggestion for future essays at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com.